Alas... All good things must come to an end, but!! Before they do, you go out with a bang! So, have a look and tell me what you think! I was up late last night putting some finishing touches on it. Who knows I might keep up this Idea and come up with more family secrets. I'm sure I could.
Chapter Eighteen:
I am the first to admit I am not a wonderful mother, my only child barely knows me, I have kept her at arms length, not that I don’t love my child, I love her more then my own breath, my own life. When it was discovered I was pregnant I was sent away, I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to leave my home and I had never left the country before, I was young and scared and alone.
I delivered her and when they put her in my arms I was over whelmed, her tiny little body, her tiny hands, she was a perfect little person and she stole my heart from the first moment I felt her move within me.
We stayed away from our homeland for a few years, it was dangerous to return and I was not eager to put my baby in danger, she needn’t learn death and deprivation from me.
When we went home her father was overjoyed to see her, he thought she was perfect, she was already running and talking and singing, he was proud of her, as any father would be, but proud of his association with me…that was another matter.
In the eyes of the public she was his child not mine, I was not her mother, her mother was dead, she was his and his alone, I was a no body from a family in disrepute.
Then he was killed, she was five years old and witnessed her own father killed, butchered by a man without a soul.
Her nanny found her and her fathers mangled body; she knew my number, when I heard what had happened I was terrified, angry and scared. What if who ever did this found out she had seen their faces, what if they found out she was mine, what if they found where we lived, where I worked?
I took her away from that house and took her home, she was over joyed to see me when she woke up, she had missed me, she loved her poppa but she had wanted to see me, he hadn’t let her, she had even started to learn to write so she could write to me to come and see her. I spent the first week in her room, sleeping with her at night. The nightmares of her fathers’ grisly death kept her awake.
When my sister returned home she was a broken woman, in spirit and in body, it took many months to return her to good health, my daughter was always curious, why was her aunt in such pain? Why did she cry herself to sleep at night? Why was she upset when I got my new job? It didn’t make sense to a child and I wasn’t ready to explain. How to tell her that her own government had done this to her aunt, her family, how to tell her that the people, who were supposed to protect her, used and betrayed her.
My daughter was always intelligent, smart and fast learning, she was always curious and investigative, she spent her time in my house reading and writing and learning about the world, what little about the world I could teach her. My sister taught her to read and write in English and I taught her French, the woman who lived next door would watch her when I went to work and my sister went about her business.
I sent her away when she was young, perhaps to young to leave, she had cried and begged not to go, she didn’t want to leave, she had even accused me of not loving her, I was shocked, I tried to explain that it wasn’t safe, that she wasn’t safe with me, she was my greatest achievement and I couldn’t let anything happen to her.
I think she understood, she was clever and knew that there were bad people in the world, I was trying to protect her from those kinds of people, the people who used fear and death as weapons.
I saw her sporadically, occasionally I saw her without her seeing me, on her birthdays, once at Christmas.
When my work allowed me I would go to the U.S to see her, check in with her schooling, make sure she was as far away from my world as I was from hers. I hated being away from her, I didn’t begrudge my work, I was good at what I did, I did not enjoy the fact that the very thing I was protecting her from… was what I was slowly becoming.
She grew and I watched, always from a distance.
I spent a night when she was twelve, my sister had needed me and as always I had answered, coming to her call and aiding her, we had needed a place to stay and her home was the closest. She was so happy to see me, she snuck down stairs and let us in, she slept with us that night, between the two of us, curled up with a smile on her beautiful face.
I stayed with my sister when we returned home, she needed family and I was all she had left, I helped her, I was good at my job, I was better at helping my family.
My daughter grew into a woman of stunning beauty, lithe, svelte, tall, piercing eyes and a rich voice, she was every bit the gorgeous woman I knew she would become.
I was working, I had a job to do and I was due back home the next day but I had to see her, speak to her if she would even want to speak to me. I saw her, walking across the school campus, head lowered as she tried to read in the bright sunlight.
I called out to her, stunning her out of her book, she looked up and her whole face changed, gone was the concentration replaced with undeniable happiness.
We spoke, on everything and nothing and everything in between, she did most of the talking, I couldn’t tell her about what I was doing; only that it meant a lot of travel.
When I next saw her, she was engaged, she was so happy and so excited, she asked me to meet the man she wanted to spend her life with, when she told him my name, my full name I saw his face pale and blanch, I knew then, I knew then he was not what he told her, he was like me, a shadow, a zephyr, he was made of dust and lies and would surely break her heart, but he made her smile, made her laugh and I saw the love in his eyes when he looked at her. I would not be the one to break her heart, I would not interfere, she was a grown woman, able to make her own choices, live her own life.
But still I was worried, I was her mother and her safety was my only concern, I knew I couldn’t keep checking in on her as my work load increased, but I could watch her in other ways, I had friends in that part of the world, friends who owed me substantial favours.
I was working one night, a meeting when I was called, my daughter was in hospital…those words made my heart stop, my breath caught in my throat and I felt faint, had she been hurt? An accident? Or something more sinister.
My granddaughter was born that night, a beautiful five pound girl; I decided I would see her, before my meeting and my flight back home. I talked my way past the nurses and into her room. They were both there, my daughter and her first born, I knew she would be a better mother then me; she was a better person then me. My granddaughter was a thing of beauty; she was perfect, from her little nose to her beautiful skin. She was her mothers’ daughter, a perfect little angel.
I spent as much time with them as I dared, my meeting could not wait and my superiors had come to expect a certain amount of commitment from me. I held my granddaughter and kissed her gently, promising her a wonderful life. I hugged my daughter and promised to see them all very soon, soon was very far away.
I didn’t return to the states, my duties changed, the work my sister needed me to do was becoming increasingly more dangerous, my family needed me to stay away, my daughter and her family had to be kept at arms length, I had to pretend I had no one and nothing tying me to the world, that I cared for no one but myself. Inside I was crying, I was breaking and burning and no one but my sister saw it. She knew, she understood.
One month later....
Natalya waved to her husband and daughter as they rode the carousel together; she laughed and shook her head as Jackson pretended it was going too fast. She heard Laura laugh with delight and smiled. It was so good to hear her laugh.
“I’m glad to see her back to her normal self.” A rich timbre voice said behind her and Natalya recognised it immediately. She smiled and turned to see Katya standing not to far away, looking from the carousel to Natalya.
“It’s just good to have her home.” Natalya smiled.
Katya nodded in understanding and walked closer.
“About that…” Natalya began.
Katya held up a hand “Nyet, Natalya.” She started but Natalya ploughed ahead.
“Thank you, for everything, for bringing her home.” She stammered.
Katya sighed and smiled, “That’s what family is for.”
Natalya nodded and looked the older woman over, short black hair, dark jacket wrapped tightly around her self.
“You should get back to your family.” Katya said turning to walk away.
“Katya!” Natalya walked up to her as she was turning and hugged her.
Katya was stunned, but didn’t pull away. She hugged her back and smiled to herself.
Natalya seemed to realize what she had done and pulled back.
“I’m sorry.” She said softly, rather sheepishly.
“Don’t be.” Katya smiled and pushed a strand of Natalya’s hair off her face.
“I really meant it, thank you, I don’t know what I would have done if…” She left her sentence in the air but Katya knew.
“I know, I know…” she said softly.
“You know he was there…in that place.” Natalya whispered.
Katya looked away for a moment to the carousel and then back.
“You saw him?” Katya said softly, Natalya could only nod, not daring herself to speak.
Katya sighed “I will make him pay for what he did, I promise you that, Arvin Sloane will suffer for what he did to you my angel.” She said forcefully.
“I don’t like seeing people hurt, I don’t like hurting people, but… Mamma I want him to hurt, I want him to bleed and I want to hear him scream, just like Poppa did.” Natalya’s voice shook with rage and hate and for a moment Katya was afraid her daughter would turn into the very thing she feared… her.
“Don’t you worry about Arvin Sloane, your aunt and I will deal with him. You just take care of yourself and your family; raise your daughter, live a good life.” Katya said trying to get her daughters mind off the grisly memories of her fathers’ murder.
Natalya nodded and turned to look over her shoulder at Jackson and Laura as they got off the carousel and headed to the hot dog stand.
“He is a good man, just like your father, just like you deserve.” Katya said softly.
“Yes, he is a good man.” Natalya agreed.
“I wish you nothing but happiness Natalya, that’s all I have ever wanted for you.” Katya hugged her again as her daughter turned to look at her.
“I know Mamma.” Natalya said softly.
Katya let her go and smiled at her, “I have to go, my plane leaves in an hour.”
Natalya nodded then remembered something.
“Oh, I have what you asked for, I’m sorry it took so long to get it.” Natalya handed her a small envelope.
Katya took it and looked inside; she smiled when she saw what was inside, “Irina will be pleased.”
“That’s not all I have… I was going to send it, but since you’re here.” Natalya handed her a small photo.
“What… what is this?” Katya asked knowing exactly what it was but unable to believe her eyes.
“We went this morning, that’s your new grandchild.” She smiled seeing the look on her mothers face.
Katya smiled and just starred at the photo.
“We were thinking of visiting at Christmas, if you’re going to be home.”
Katya looked at her and stepped forward kissing her cheek, “I’ll make sure of it.”
Natalya nodded and felt a weight lift off her.
“I think you’re wanted.” Katya smiled and looked over Natalya’s shoulder.
She spun to look and saw Jackson and Laura waving at her, Jackson called out her name.
She smiled and turned back to say goodbye but Katya was already moving away, straight backed, head held high, that’s how Natalya always remembered her mother, strong, un-bendable.
“Goodbye Mamma, Stay safe.” Natalya whispered before turning back to her family.
“Irina? Katya, Da I have them, no they’re fine and Natalya sends her love.”
I am not the worlds greatest mother, but I am the worlds most determined, when all this is over, when the tides of changed have washed the world, when history closes its pages on this chapter, my family will know how much I have sacrificed for them, they will know how much I love them, my daughter will know how much I love her, how much her being in my life has made it something worth living, when my sister and I can once again stand in the light, when we can be seen by the world we will tell them and maybe they will forgive us.
But forgiveness is a big ask and we don’t expect it, I certainly don’t, I’ve kept too many secrets, family secrets, they can be the hardest to keep.
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